MI VIDA LOCA

Ok, so here it is about 6 months from my last blog. so sorry. Imma just start writing (rambling). In the last year I have seen Hell and visited it and it's NOT pretty!!! Here's a list of what has happened:
**Eldest daughter moved back to hometown w/abusive boyfriend and 2 kids. Moved in w/me. he moved in w/church family after giving life to God. Did good for awhile. Didnt want to go all the way and ended up leaving mad,lying and of all things,pregnant. Daughter moved in w/dad, said she hated my guts and I would never see or hear from them again (Thank God that only lasted 2 months!) This all came out because her Bi Polar boyfriend put his hand thru her window and then threatened the rest of the family to shoot them (us).

** Middle child decided she didnt like house rules and we were always fighting so she moved out on a bad nate.

**My baby has been badly affected by this, she turns 18 in 2 weeks and has been doing stuff behind my back. So I released her to move in w/her aunt early.

** Was doing daycare in the midst of all of this and because my eldest was lazy to clean up after her and her 2 babies, I did it. I was working from 7 am sometimes till 10pm and not making money or getting rest. So i shut my daycare down thinking I could get another job. I mean, i have A:WAYS had at least 2 jobs!

** I had an errand service for 9 years working and making great money for a couple w/health issues. So they passed on w/in a few months of each other. So I lost income there not to mention the fact that the wife was a dear friend. : (

** That left me no option but to give back my van that I had been paying on for 3 years.

** so now its 5 months later and I still have no job, no car and the self esteem has been shot down to nothing! It could have been easier if the ex had paid child support these last 3 years.

** and the topper was when my phone was stolen and sold to someone in another part of the state (like it's Flat Stanley or something!)
** Oh yea, It's menopause time (like Hammertime, but different)

YUKKKK!!

Im telling you, I was ready to call someone up and just LEAVE!!! Seriously!!

BUT....................
God's mercy is greater and I have wonderful pastors that God was already putting me on their hearts to come talk to me. So my female pastor (Pastor's wife) comes and knocks on my door and stays and just LISTENS to me rant and rave (calmly) for 2 hours, then she prays for me and I could feel things "lifting" away from me.
Also that night an old friend calls me after I had seen him on facebook and written him. I was so happy because this person was a major part of my life as a teenager. he was a friends boyfriend. I had always loved his openess and felt comfortable around him. well he confesses to me that he actually liked me back then! Wow , that FLOORED me! I didnt say too much about it, but I was remembering that I used to be attracted to hom too. But at that point it would have caused trouble. I never let any males get too close anyway back then.
So as Im talking to him imrealizing that all my life I have had an affinity to men w/red hair. it almost instantly puts me at ease (go figure). I have been attracted to certain color redheads, and that my type was and IS his personality!!
He is still pretty easy going after all these years and a divorce. I didnt ask about what happened in his divorce because i AM attracted to him. So he works at an interesting place and so I grabbed my daughter and went to visit him at work about 3 days later after talking on the phone. I never told him I liked him, that would put me in an uncomfortable spot. We get there and he takes us around and shows us the different areas, and Im liking it more and more .
Now mind you I was divorced in 99 , have not slept w/another man snce then and dated very briefly in 99-2000 and it left very bad taste in my mouth! I have been waiting patiently for a very long time and will continue to wait for the RIGHT one. But oh how I was letting myself get close to him. And it felt oh so dang RIGHT!!! Whenever the male species (or anyone) gets too close I back away. i have "comfort" zones and use them. But I could for the life of me NOT help myself! aggghhh!
Im frustrated because he is on the brain, and I really want to tell hom how it has been for me since I started talking to him. But I want him to make the first move. And then there I have another prblem. My morals concerning dating are high. I just dont! I would like to get married again someday (soon would be nice but I hate the whole "courting" stage. I also want a man of God . I wont even go there.
Anywhooo. this man has a whole LOT of characteristics I have wanted in a husband. From a great job, to the way he treats females and family, easy attitude and kinda laid back . So you tell me, do i like these traits because I seen them in him from a long time ago? Or does he just have them cause God put these desires in me? I feel TORTURED!!! I keep asking God to take this away because:

**I have eaten my way thru the last year and now have let my self go (but been losing a lb a day since my pastor viseted-no more appitite) and am insecure about my weight

** Am thinking he wont feel the same

**Have always prided myself about having a job and transportation. Now nothing. i sometimes HATE American culture

** Want to make sure It's not a temp "rescue" thing on my behalf although I dont think so

**Hope Im not putting what I "think he is" on him

**Goes against every princeple I have been taught. Am I too churchy for him?? I would never abandon my God for ANYTHING, but would I back off some of my princeples and risk backsliding for him according to my current church? And please dont be harsh about my church I have seen miracles in mine and others lives thru the years and if you know me you can feel it thru my conversations.

**Does he even think ANYTHING about me besides "what a nice visit"?


**Am waiting for his next move

So how can a level headed woman who has fought tooth and nail to make sure NO One gets close to her (male wise) completly lose her cool in a matter of a 2 hour conversation and a 4 hour visit to his work???? And I know he has a heart for God , but serving God is another matter entirely. I want time and opportunity to get to know these things.
Ok, Im done. i need to try to go get some sleep now.
Go ahed input me : )
DISCLAIMER- I am NOT going back over my notes because I would have to fix ALL the typo's and Im just not "there"
Ni NIGHT Blog World!